If I were looking over my life I would have to say that I am a serious grudge holder and revenge seeker. Well, that may not be accurate. I was a serious grudge holder and revenge seeker. As I have grown, my need for revenge and capacity for holding a grudge have greatly diminished. Truth be told, I've even started gloating about my amazing ability to forgive. That was until last week.
Last week I was angry, mad, sad, and miserable. I was pissed. Things that I thought I had processed and worked through years ago came bubbling up to the surface as raw as ever. I was broken down.
Come to find out that my forgiveness was conditional. I didn't know that when I was gloating about my growth, but my forgiveness had parameters. I forgave as long as Joel 2:25 or Haggai 2:9 came to pass. For those of you that don't have a Bible handy let me help you out. Joel 2:25 starts with "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" and Haggai 2:9 reads "the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house." Basically, I was ok with forgiveness as long as my next chapter was going to be greater than the first. Metaphorically speaking I was like ok, I can deal with b.s. but there better be a trip to Disney World after the b.s. But last week it hit me, what if the trip to Disney World never comes? What if I had to go through all that bullsh*t and there's no prize at the end? You mean I forgave xyz and don't get a pony? Hell, naw, I didn't like that one bit.
And I still don't like it. But then after a few days of fuming and ranting, a few things came to me. The first is that while there may not be a pony or a trip to Disney World, I know that God refined a few things in me during the tumultuous times. Don't let the light skin fool you. I needed refining. The second thing is I don't have to like it. It's crappy. And while there may not be Mickey Mouse ears in my immediate future, there is peace. Peace. Not storms but peace. Not chaos but peace. It may not be the "happiest place on Earth" but it is my peaceful place on Earth. It's up to me to keep it that way and that starts with forgiving again.
Not sweeping how I feel under a rug or pushing it into a box and ignoring it. Nope, I had to process it, make peace with it and forgive all over again. Why? Because peace is worth it.