When Tears Won't Come

Today was a hard day.  Hard is actually an understatement as I spent the day saying goodbye to a former coworker.  See my friend fought cancer and lost that battle but gained eternity.  My heart breaks for his family, especially his wife.  Watching his wife be graceful and poised under such circumstances was gut wrenching.  My heart aches for her.

But I keep asking myself why am I not crying?  I want to cry.  I think that crying will make me actually release some of this tension and feel better, but nothing falls.  Even at the funeral a few tears fell but my the fall of tears did not match the pain in my chest. 

If you are wondering if I am physically capable of crying, the answer is yes.  I cry at the end of Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" each time I see it.  Not at the "Get your hand out my pocket" moment, but at the "I am Malcolm X" moment.  I tear up every time.  I cry when ever I hear Shekinah Glory sing "Yes" or Royce Mosley minister "The Blood."  I cry whenever I and Keri K. talk.  I seriously laugh until the tears roll.  At church as Bishop Walker preaches, I cry tears of gratefulness.  But in times of sadness... nothing.  I turn into the Sahara.

So, I guess that is why I am typing.  It's my version of cutting to lessen the pain.  I am bleeding out all over this keyboard.  Maybe each keystroke is a alpha-numeric tear.  Maybe I am crying and the tears aren't yet visible.